This past weekend, I spoke at the American Jailers Association convention. It was an enlightening experience for me because the premise challenged some of my thoughts on the art of being a good teammate.
Words like kindness, generosity, and sharing—words that I often connect to being a good teammate—aren’t always relevant in the corrections world. In fact, in many instances, employing those behaviors can put corrections staff in danger.
Yet the reality is that teamwork is a necessity in corrections. Returning home safely at the end of a shift is dependent on the staff’s ability to work together and be good teammates to each other.
One of the topics that got a lot of attention during our discussions at the conference was manipulation. Corrections officers must always be aware of the omnipresent risk of inmate manipulation.
Manipulation is a relationship between two parties that results in a gain for one and a loss for the other. The gaining party controls the relationship through fear, sympathy, trust, deception, confusion, or leverage. They get what they want at the expense of others.
On teams, manipulation leads toxicity. And being susceptible to manipulation can keep you from being a good teammate. Here’s how you can counter that from happening:
1. Identify your vulnerabilities. Manipulators search for vulnerabilities and then exploit them to their advantage. By being aware of vulnerabilities, you make it harder for manipulators to breach you emotionally.
For instance, if you tend to feel sympathy for hard luck stories, a manipulator will prey on your sympathetic nature. They will see your sympathy as a weakness. They will get you to feel bad for their situation and then coerce you into doing something to benefit them.
Knowing where they are most likely to attack eliminates the element of surprise.
2. Set Boundaries. Learn the value of saying “no.” Don’t feel obligated to automatically acquiesce to their every request. Manipulators will continue to pursue you if they pick up on even a hint of reluctancy on your part.
Less than definitive responses like “let me think about that” or “I’m not sure I feel comfortable with that” keeps open the possibility of you becoming receptive to their wishes.
Along those same lines, don’t preface shutting them down with an apology. Manipulators know how to play the victim. Starting your response with “I’m sorry, but…” creates an opportunity for them to shift their strategy and perpetuate the manipulation.
3. Hold true to your core principle. Being a good teammate means you consistently respond by choosing what is best for the team over what is best for you as an individual. That guiding principle should supplant whatever response the manipulator is trying to elicit from you.
Empathy is an important component of being a good teammate. Empathy can lead to sympathy. But it can also lead to tough love and to holding your teammates accountable.
Sometimes your empathy will move you to comply with a manipulative teammate’s requests. Sometimes it won’t. Either way, your response shouldn’t come because of the manipulator’s actions. It should come because of your commitment to doing what is best for your team.
A firm adherence to your core principle puts you in control of manipulative relationships.
As always…Good teammates care. Good teammates share. Good teammates listen. Go be a good teammate.
